WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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