Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he was CRYING into my vagina
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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