the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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