I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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