In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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