Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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