There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
NoShamevember. You game?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
