If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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