He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
