Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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