Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You ruined the universe
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
