i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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