Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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