jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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