Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
