I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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