My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
