If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize