i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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