There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
