i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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