you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
