this boner is exhausting
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
