This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
