I showed him my bush... on skype.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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