This girl is more easily done than said...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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