Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize