NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he thought i was a dude.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
