drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It's rum buckets o'clock
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The ass gains better be worth it
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