And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize