i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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