Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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