You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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