Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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