WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
