Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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