So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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