Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
