I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
