This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
