I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
