life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
