I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
