everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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