I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
