OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
