I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
