She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
