Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize