This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
