I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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