I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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