Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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