I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
