either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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