you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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